Deciding what to blog about is hard sometimes. What to say? Write thoughts on current events? Work? Relationships? Personal struggles? Your best friends struggles? Your best friend's sex life...or lack there of? Of course the old fall back is the weather. Always safe. Yep it's hot, but who including myself gives a shit if the a/c is on. Oh hell yes it's on.

I could write about whacking my hair off last Saturday with the sewing shears but I've moved on.

The biggest thing on my mind that's consuming most of my thoughts and leaves my heart feeling heavy, my stomach in knots is this.

My Baby is among those boys men. Click on the photo gallery for more pics..

Ok, I didn't even look to see when the last time I posted. I'm not into the Sicilian guilt thing today. Although I did cook up a huge bowl of swiss chard complete with olive oil and garlic. Yum. I really want to eat a humongous bowl with a couple of hunks of Italian bread with butter but in the back of my mind I'm wondering of the repercussions. I have to work tomorrow and having the green shits all day is just a little more than I really want to think about. Glad I shared?

Life is good and I'm enjoying the summer...well, ok, I don't do above 90 degrees well, but other than that. I've been working about 12 hours a week, which is 12 hours more than I want too. I try not to answer the phone but certain people seem to know where I live now. Damn it.

I am going to be taking a full time job in August, mostly because I'm bored. So I've decided since I'm going to work there are a few things on my "want list".

Dawn of Delusion: It's been 12 days since I last posted?

Dawn of Reality: Yes you idiot.

Dawn of Delusion: I think the Moveable Type calendar thingie is screwed up.

Dawn of Reality: You are screwed up.

Dawn of Delusion: Am not.

Dawn of Reality: Oh really? What have you done all morning?

Dawn of Delusion:

Dawn of Reality: Need I say more?

Dawn of Delusion: Leave me alone I'm going to go pluck my eyebrows.

Dawn of Reality: Damn it! We need to go to the store, we need groceries.

Dawn of Delusion: Why? We got donuts.

...is on my mind today. But I want to try and get in the blogging mode again. I figure if I have to wait for anything but random thoughts I'll end up with two entries a year again.

I haven't left the house today. Damn I love those days. I finished the Evanovich book, started knitting a new pair of socks, watched a movie and did an hour of phone consultation to a work place they are actually going to pay me for. Wish that idea would catch on and keep going. Oh and I also made a baked pasta dish.

What I've tried to ignore all day is a dull sinus headache and sore throat. Forget that...I'm going to keep ignoring it.

My silk-wool yarn I ordered arrived today by Ray the UPS man. You know you need to quit ordering things when you are on a first name basis with the UPS man and he knows your schedule.

Well I hope I can find a good movie on the tube tonight because my plans don't include anything beyond the sofa and a bottle of tylenol.

Well I survived my road trip to Iowa despite driving the Saturn rental. Ugh. All total I drove about 1600 miles. Took me 12 hours to drive to my destination and 10.5 of night to get back. Obstacles of daytime driving: rush hours, grandma and grandpa's, mini-van's packed full of children, groups of perusing construction workers. Obstacles of night time driving: darkness, drunks and weaving and wobbling semi-tractors.

So all in all it was a great trip. Now I'm chilling for a couple of days with season three and four of Smallville and Janet Evanovich's latest Twelve Sharp. Funny stuff.

I haven't posted since Easter. I haven't even thought of this blog. This morning I received a letter from a former Hugo Selenski commentor who asked if I would consider reopening the Hugo Selenski post. Apparently Hugo's trial is still postponed. I haven't been following the case at all but the writer of the email thought possibly people might like to comment on it. So it's been opened back up and while I'm here I thought I might as well post.

I haven't gone back and scanned my prior posts, but I'm sure I've posted I quit my job as a director of nursing and went back to consulting fulltime. Well that ended up being more or less interim director of nursing positions in troubled buildings. Frankly, I'm just too burned out for that...still. So last month I went down to a contingent basis with the consulting firm and decided I really didn't want to work this summer.

Well nothing quite ever works out as planned, somehow I was talked into doing two days a week at my former building where I was a DON, currently doing chart/system audits (quality assurance) and patient assessments. It's been rough doing that. The first couple of weeks families and staff tried to slip back into the mindset that I could listen to their grumblings and try to solve their issues but repeated reminders of "It's not my job!" they are slowly getting the hint.

I'm also in the process of opening an adult foster care home with two other business partners. We hope to receive our first clients this week. It's been a slow process with some renovations of the home, applying for license's, several inspections by different agencies, applications to placement agencies etc. But things have come together and now we are ready to rock n roll.

Probably the biggest change in my life is that Jesus Christ has become front and center in my heart and mind. I've spent much of my off time reaffirming my faith and love for Jesus. I've spent hours and hours reading and studying the Bible over the last six months. Words can not express the hunger I have for Him and His word. Neither can they express the peace and contentment that has now entered my life.

So at this moment I'm wrestling with the idea of reopening this blog. If I do the format and content must change. Do I want to be a verbal warrior for Christ in the blogosphere? I don't know. Do I know how to change the pictures on this blog? I don't know.

Time tells all. God bless and be well.

Every time I think about blogging I have this internal debate: To blog what is truly on my mind or stick to the society norm of inane, mundane drivel interposed with commentary on politics and current events. Obviously anyone can see what won. Drivel. Asinine. Foolish. Empty words. I have a blog therefore I can.

In all honesty, who really gives a damn what is on anyones mind? In the end it all boils down to shutting off the computer and walking away with our own opinions on any given subject.

So today I'll blog about what is truly on my mind and to many it will be silly, hollow, empty words. So be it.

Last fall my friend Susan came to visit. As I dropped her off at the airport I realized that weekend had been a major turning point in my life. A re-awakening, a rebirth of sorts. A pinnacle of past, present and future which defines who I am, where I am and where I am going. Some would say a true epiphany. Maybe even me.

I've waited four months to write anything about this. Things have not changed, if anything I see people and things with increasing clarity. I can't say what I see is good or gives me peace. Again just understanding.

So happy Easter. He has risen.

So Susan says.

So here I sit looking at the blinking cursor. What to say? My life is boring.

For a quick update on the job. February 14 I started, I walked into a facility to mentor the director who was "having a few problems". She called in sick for 2 days - I got to address "the few problems". Which was major problems. She's gone. Now I'm "acting interim director" and spending long hours trying to clean this facility up. Fast. Being educational and nurturing when it comes to basic patient care is not part of my makeup. My patience wears thin when dealing with bullshit human antics. Ok, I nurtured and educated for 4 weeks - now it's do the job or get out. Sigh. I never quite got that concept of asking people nicely to do their damn job. Just like I never quite got it there are people out there that think they should be asked. Definitely one of us is missing something out of our gene pools.

I know I sound harsh and remember rule #1: I am a bitch. And. I really hope that the day I become indifferent to people laying in their own waste, not being fed, not being clothed and ignored hours on end. God takes me out. Quickly. Without mercy.

So that is my life. Needless to say, I'm not sleeping well. So I spend my "off" hours doing mindless activities (Pogo) and channel surfing for comedy movies.

So other than that I'm healthy, wealthy and wise stupid.

Been awhile since I did an update on my life. If time keeps going this fast I should be in my eighties sometime next week. Weird how this time of year the days just meld together into one huge blanket of snow and endless flurries. The only thing that separates time is restless nights and fitful dreams.

I started my new job consulting on February 14 and like all jobs it has it's ups and downs but it's definitely less stressful then my last. What I did forget is the look of distrust and almost contempt when you walk into a facility as a consultant to evaluate their systems and offer "suggestions". It's somewhat akin to telling the woman of the house how to be a better housekeeper. Of course you can walk into some facilities and as your feet stick to the floor and you walk out of your shoes onto the grime it's suddenly become a little more than a nurturing and educational experience - it can become a battle. It's sort of odd and a little humorous to see how some rationalize why they are not following federal regulations and guidelines. Enough of that.

On a good note I'm meeting new people - actually peers for a change rather than employees. So it's been fun accepting and extending invitations to dinner and other events. That has been a very welcome change.

I've been very lucky the last three weeks to be working very close to home for a change. It's been nice giving up that 2-3 hour commute daily. I'm sure those times will come again...but for now, woo hoo...I'm enjoying it.

Alrighty then I'm back from two weeks vacation and this will be my first day on the new job. I'm really excited about this and haven't been this happy in going to work for years. My first week or two will be mentoring a new director of nursing and helping her to get systems up and running. The best part of it - I get to come home and it's not my baby to worry about if people are actually following policy. I get to just guide, teach and nurture.

I've had a great two weeks off - actually doing a little bit of nothing but doing it on my timeframe. I feel good.

So here's a rose for you and wishing you a Happy Monday!

I'm free. Yesterday was the last day of my employment as Director of Nursing. Quitting was much harder than I anticipated. The same staff I've dragged, battled, carried - kicking and screaming to to provide a higher standard of care had become emotional wrecks over the past month of working out my resignation. God love em.

Six weeks ago I was horrible, the meanest bitch in the valley, the cursed management who doesn't do anything to treating me like I walked on water. Now I'm the best boss and "what are we going to do now?" and "you can't leave us!" person. I feel like I'm stepping out of the twilight zone. I gotta love them.

In the last 2 weeks I've been bombarded with parties and presents. My house looks like Christmas morning I have so much stuff sitting around. Some of my presents: candles, clothes, cds, a variety of chocolate, soaps, body lotions, a Bible, dishes, a few wine baskets, a homemade blanket, several pieces of jewelry, a Luis Vuitton purse, a scrapbook of pictures and memorabilia and last but not least an XBox with money to buy some games. It's really hard to understand people.

So what's on the agenda now? Peace. Rest. For a few days anyway. I'm supposed to start my new job February 14th. In the short interim I've reluctantly agreed to help out a troubled facility with the same company. They promised they won't call me until February 1st. I won't answer my phone til the 1st anyway. That's what, 4 days of "Peace" and "Rest"? I really want alot more. I have enough vacation time racked up my last paycheck will be March 16 without helping out the other facility.

I'm really not a workaholic, I'm just too stupid to say no.

Two weeks from today and I'm out of this job from hell. Yea! With the flu epidemic, the new computer program that went into effect January 1 and training people to take over my job it's been a zoo.

Notice I said "people" I have to train to take over my job. That's right. My boss has now deemed my assistant who is taking my position will not survive doing what I was/am doing. So a full time medical secretary has been hired who I have yet to train to take over the computer aspect/paper shuffling of my job. Yes you read that right - a full time position in itself. My staffing/scheduling piece is being passed to someone else. My payroll/hiring/staff development piece is being passed to yet another manager. Now the rest I get to train my assistant to do. Now the job is a piece of cake, I should keep it. Not.

I should be getting ready to get my butt out the door, it's snowing. Supposed to snow all day today and tomorrow. I can't wait to drive in it. It will be so fun and stimulating.

(Did you read that above? That's my positive outlook on life and things I've been trying to put into practice for the past couple of weeks. Are you buying it?) Let me continue.

I'm so excited about getting to work today. As of 6pm last night I had a patient population of 34% with influenza type A. Today I will get to use my skills ministering to the sick and begging, borrowing and stealing enough staff with dripping noses, sore throats, raging temps and the trots to survive as a care giving institution for another 24 hours.

I'm feeling excellent, physically, emotionally and spiritually. What a glorious day!

Damn, another year gone. I had a few things I wanted to get done this year, it looks like I'll be real damn busy tomorrow. Not.

I think alot of us have this deep-rooted sense we must be better, we must improve who and what we are that we can't help at least "think" about New Year's resolutions. Many I know make lists. I can understand their reasonings somewhat. But I can't help but feel we do this because we don't like who we are or just not comfortable with who we are. I can already hear "Hey! Wait a minute. That's not true!" I guess it depends on the resolution right?

I think mine last year was to take a trip a month. I need to go back and see if I did post anything. I'm not sure if I made that goal but it came damn close.

Well I have three goals this year:

1. Quit job. (January 28)
2. Get the hell out of Detroit. (TBD)
3. New job. (February 14) Temporary job until I move, although the employer doesn't quite know that.

So anyway it looks like another year just like the other year. Tick. Tock. Time just keeps on passing.

Yes time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
I said, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side
Yeah, time, time, time is on my side

There you have it, me and Mick.

Well I almost have my Christmas shopping done. EB Games is giving me a fit over ordering four Nintendo DS games online. I'm having to jump through security hoops which in part is a good thing...but annoying as can be. I placed the order last Saturday and it's still not been verified. Sometimes I think it's harder to buy a small amount online than a big purchase. Best Buy...get your site fixed! You are losing alot of money from me this Christmas. You have a toy freak here in withdrawals.

We had the resident Christmas party last night so I didn't get home til after 9, so now it's time to go back and I'm feeling like "Hey, did I ever leave there?"

I dropped almost a grand yesterday on four new tires. The nice salesman at Goodyear guaranteed me I could go up to 150mph safely on these tires. I told him I'd get back to him on that one but it did do well at 90. I don't pay attention to small details alot but it didn't seem like a small detail driving home last night. I noticed immediately I wasn't having to grip the steering wheel as hard and potholes didn't seem quite as big. I didn't realize before my steering wheel had been vibrating so badly...until it doesn't do it anymore. Anyway my tires are cool.

I've been watching NWA site three times a day trying to get a decent airfare price to go home for Christmas. It bounces anywhere from $505 to $860. I've decided not to pay that much for a 3 day weekend. If it doesn't drop down to $400 or lower looks like I'll be staying home for Christmas. Yep...I'm cheap in some things. Most things. But let's not go there. My kids and my mother will have a fit, but, oh well.

My resignation is reverberating through my corporates world. I posted months ago how I was told I lost my 15% annual bonus already for this year that is paid out in February for meeting 5 different criteria goals my company sets for me. Well I found out yesterday I've basically been jerked around on that...I'm only $34,000 off budget, which if I'd of known that even 3 weeks ago I could of recouped. At this point I have no clue if I'm still getting jerked or not. Dangling a piece of candy in front of the baby? My 5 goals are based on culture, cost, care, census ...hmm, I forget the 5th at the moment. I've met all my criteria but supposedly the dang $34 grand. Anyway since we made millions profit this year....the whole thing annoys me greatly. Sigh.

Anyway that's a tad of what's going on in my life at the moment.

I've always liked that word. Anyway I've been whittling away on my Christmas list. At least trying too. My kids are the biggest chunk of where the bucks go and they never make it easy. I think my children are mentally challenged. They must be adopted. I've asked all three for weeks now want they want for Christmas and I hear "I dun no". Give me a break, please.

Now my granddaughter who is 2, God bless her...she has my genes for sure. She wants everything. She sees a commercial ...Lexus, Bose, Disney cruise you can loudly hear her proclaim "I want that!". You go girl. In fact she tells everyone she is a Princess and she's still wearing her princess crown from Halloween. I seen the remnants of the mushroom cloud here in Michigan when the dress had to finally come off. My daughter said her wounds are healing nicely now.

Anyway my 4 page Christmas list is handy for anyone who wants it, just let me know.

The Thanksgiving weekend seems long gone but I had a great time. It was so good to see Susan again. We did alot of catching up, shared some fine food and drink, did a little shopping. Oh and had jello shots, a first for me. I don't recommend the strawberry/tequila ones. Anyway the three days flew by.

This was the third time ever I've had the day after Thanksgiving off, last year I was in Iowa, so this year I decided I'd try the Friday morning shopping thing. Heh. I had no clue that many people were out and about at 6am waiting at the doors to get to those sales. The first place I arrived at was Target at 5:55am, there was a mob outside of the door and the police was there. So skipped that place and decided to go down the block and hit Circuit City. No parking places. It was a mob. So I was back home by 6:20. Forget that. I think I'll work next year.

I did manage to get most of my Christmas shopping done. It's going to be short and sweet this year. I even managed to pick out my own gift: a 20GB IPod. I've not had much time to figure it out yet and I need a teenager to help me figure out ITunes. Seems a little clunky and archaic to me. BUT I haven't read the user's manual yet. Gotta do that.

Well gotta get my butt in gear and get ready for work. Again.

I made it to Wednesday. Now I'm doing the thankful for a four day weekend happy dance. Well that and making it home alive. First snowfall of the season is tonight. Sleeted all the way home and only took an hour and forty-five minutes - I was betting on two hours...so again I'm happy. Phones are off, work can call someone who cares. Ha!

Well I'm not going home this Thanksgiving so turkey day will be a little quiet around here BUT Susan is flying in Friday afternoon for the weekend. I haven't seen her for a few months so we have a lot of drinking catching up to do. She's a little nervous about coming to Detroit but I think it's going to be too cold for many drive by shootings. She's just got to learn to duck down fast. Hear that Susan? Practice on the plane it will make the flight go faster and guarantee you a full body search upon landing. It can be your first Detroit thrill.

Boob update: Healing nicely, only bothers me when I have to jerk the steering wheel hard to cut somebody off. Thanks for all your kind words and I promise never to run any of you nice people off the road. Probably. Never know when I could visit a town near you.

Catchy title huh? I had a breast biopsy today, one of a different nature called a "core biopsy". The procedure did not go well mainly I believe from lack of knowledge regarding the testing. The only instructions I received prior to the procedure was: 1. Be there 30 minutes early. 2. No aspirin, vitamin E or Motrin 5 days prior. The end.

All went well when I got there until they told me I should of had a driver so I could of received the Valium prior to the procedure but since I don't have a driver (chauffeurs day off) I don't get the valium. Lovely. Ok.

The procedure is done on a high table, me flat on my stomach with my right breast hanging down through a hole in the table. I find out as my boob is entrapped in the hole under compression that this is a new machine, a new (sort of) procedure and there will be other physicians and medical personnel observing since this is all new to them. No one asked or cared if I cared to be watched. I wouldn't of cared, but I would of liked to have had that option. There were so many people in the room that at one point the MD doing the procedure asked if some would leave she didn't have room to move.

As the breast is compressed, mammograms are redone and instantly displayed on a computer screen. The computer guides the needle to the exact area of the breast after the calculations are confirmed. The MD loaded my breast up with lidocaine which burned but very tolerable. After another 10 minutes of calculations, explanations etc., the needle - machine guided, is inserted, more mammograms. Then the area is vacuumed out. This hurt like hell. I cried. I'm not a crier. I have a very high threshold for pain. They stopped the suctioning, inserted more lidocaine, waited a couple of minutes and proceeded.

The procedure was never pain free and I never stopped crying. I've had a needle breast biopsy done 2 years ago and I never felt a thing. No problem. This was completely different. I was flat on my stomach in this position for about 75 minutes including the 15 minutes of compression and ice being applied to control the bleeding and only steri-strips were applied to the wound. After that I was allowed to sit up for a couple of minutes before I was taken down the hall for more mammograms. Apparently a metal clip was inserted in my breast to mark the exact location of the biopsy in case they need to repeat the procedure to remove more tissue.

I don't think so.

I had to wait 30 minutes more before I could leave the hospital and I was given orange juice and Tylenol ES due to the fact I was shaking and having a little bit of trouble holding the glass. The doctor interviewed me of what I thought of the procedure since this was the first time it had been used and she wanted my opinion on if they should continue using it or using the machine they normally use. Now that's a no brainer.

My after care instructions: Don't use my right arm for 48 hours. Umm...I need to drive home, an hour away from the hospital. Wear a sports bra for several days. Ok, I don't own one and this is a poor time to go shop. No shower for 24 hours and remove the steri-strips on Friday. I have yet to figure out how to shower tomorrow without getting my boobs wet. Sounds like a future blog entry, no?

Now I think I'm going to go to bed. It's been a rough day and all of it seems very surreal.

Well it's has taken me literally hours but my comments are closed from beginning to November 2004. Today I ate my lunch closing comments, talked on the phone to my friends and family closing comments. I've smoked damn near a pack of cigarrettes closing comments. I will dream of ...click, click, click, click tonight I'm sure. But you know what? I won't have 100's of fucking spam comments when I wake up in the morning or come home from work. Can we have an amen?

To all the people that I've re-pinged today from old posts, I apologize.

Now I plan on not leaving the comments open for more than 2 weeks, if I ever figure out what is wrong with MT Blacklist I might go three...maybe. I am now ever so thankful my posting has been light the last few months. Still over 800 posts was a damn lot to close.

Now I'm going to bed, I feel like I've been playing a Pogo marathon or something. Damn.

Oh...and also, I think I have the ban on "men" fixed here now. Please let me know if you have anymore problems leaving a comment, except you Bob, I don't give a damn.

I flew back into Detroit today...the title says it all. Virginia was gorgeous, sunny, 70's, and the vivid autumn colors were spectacular.

I'm glad to see Detroit is still here although left over smoke from Devil's Angel's Nights is still in the air. Not much in the paper about it of course, just a little paragraph that says that the fires on the night of October 30th were up over 22% from last year. Obviously the increased patrolling, teen curfew and the ban on buying fuel in a container didn't help much. Maybe it's not teens doing it? Adults? How's that for spooky.

What has scared the crap out of me: Blog Spam. In 3 days I've managed to accumulate at least 400 comment spam. Nasty stuff too. Usually I get an email for every comment but not this time. I only had about 80 pieces of mail from the blog comments that were spam. Any clue how a spam comment can be added to my blog without triggering the email to me?

For more scarey stuff: back to work tomorrow. Ugh. To top it off my stomach is rolling and rebeling. I had a few swallows of some orange juice this morning that had a "different" taste. I can still taste it. I think it's literally going to come back to haunt me real soon damn it.

Last week was our annual inspection which lasted four days. We did very, very well. I'm still some what numb over that. It was a week of hell with 12-13 hour days of work, 3-4 hours sleep per night. Ok, ok, a little too much stress. There is nothing like 5 and 6 government workers coming to your place of employment and trying for 8 hours a day, 4 days in a row to try to find errors.

The inspectors go through everything: patient records, employee files, inservice records, infection control records, and every room in the building. They watch medication passes, treatments, transfers, general care, patient and employee interactions, and they meet with the families and residents behind close doors.

I'm never really worried about the "big" stuff for us because I know we work and try very hard. It's the small stuff that can make a survey go bad fast like: forgetting to knock on a door, dropping a washcloth on the floor, not washing your hands after handing someone medications, a medication bottle not dated when opened, calling a favorite patient "Sweetie" or "Hon". Yep those minor things can start adding up in citations fast.

Anyway we had the best survey this building has had in at least 10 years. Yea! My upper lip is almost healed and my lower lip is healing from almost be chewed off. I never quite realize I'm doing this under stress until someone asks why I have blood running from my mouth. Ugh.

So the last two nights I've had the best sleep that I've had in weeks. Well except for the part last night dreaming I was sleeping in a chair beside the bed of Ronald Reagan as he was recuperating from a fractured hip. Just where does this shit come from?

I've decided part of this weekend will be spent going through past blog entries and "closing" the comments on previous entries. Naively enough I thought I might, a big might, get through them all. After 30 minutes of "click" "click" "scroll" and "clicking" ...uhh, don't think "all" is gonna happen. It's not like I'm winning Pogo tokens here for doing this. When I do mindless things I must have a reward...it's just in my nature. Sure, I could go to the store and buy some chocolate. But somehow "click" "click" "scroll" "click" "chew" just doesn't sound like it would do it for me. Besides my jeans would not appreciate it in a couple of days. Then I would have to go shopping AGAIN. While I was shopping Bob would drop by.

Sigh

Will it ever end? I've decided to only leave the current month of comments open, so with my current blogging speed and style, obviously I'll only have a handful of entries to go back and close. Sounds like a plan.

But part of me has to wonder what I will do with a day without email from Bob? Is there life after Bob? Will Bob just forsake me for another? Will Bob turn to a male blogger?? Does Bob switch hit? Is Bob really a pseudonym for a dyke? Is Bob a bot with AI? Bob, Bob, Bob - who are you?

I just love Saturdays when I can just allow my mind time to roam wherever it pleases. Well I guess I should go to the store and buy some chocolate food now.

But I'm going to the doctor today. PAP smear time. Ugh. Well actually it's been that time for a couple of years but I'm the Queen of Procrastination, remember? Actually I'm sort of a train wreck over this. I've been having problems for awhile now and I'm a firm believer if you ignore something it will go away. Right? That plan has worked for decades so far...well except the back problem, but I'm not going there.

I've spent alot of time this weekend, too much time thinking about my life and where it is going. Or maybe not going. It was a fluctuating hormonal emotional weekend. I've found someone who makes me happy in many ways. Something and someone I didn't believe existed. So it's time for the "other shoe to drop" right?

The Italian neighbourhood I grew up in bought into the concept for every good thing that happened (genuflects) something bad will happen. Now I can't say that I buy into that theory but it's in the back of my....ok, front and center of my mind. (genuflects) I'm definitely not taking a trip down memory lane to see if there is any factual basis to that concept. Right now I really don't want to know.

Anyway I hate doctors and I'll probably have to have some stupid tests and this will drag out for weeks and eventually just fade away. I'm wasting my time and money. See, I can deny and rationalize with the best of them. Gotta love those defense mechanisms.

Anybody ever feel that? That we work and struggle just for a few peaceful moments here and there? Sometimes I feel like I'm dehydrating in this huge hot desert (hell) and I have to fight, scratch and claw my way to the next drinking hole. Of course the point of all that is to finally get out of the desert...but do we? If we get out will we recognize it, or just look for a different form of a watering hole? I guess our lives our made up of watering holes and drinking fountains on that grand journey to the paradise in the sky? I don't want that, I want Margeuritaville, and I want to stay for awhile.

Ok, enough of that shit, I'm obviously way past tired.

Yep vacation is over, back to traffic, a hot office, lawyers, arbitrations, conference calls, meetings, audits, action plans and corporate yahoos. Yippee.

I had a great vacation...a few days chilling and a few days in Virginia. Life should include more vacations.

Some wonderful things going on in my life right now and some not so wonderful things. One thing that is always consistent is change, right?

One more day to work and I'm on vacation. I'd do a happy dance but I'm too tired. Friday afternoon I'm sure all my long lost energy will be bestowed on me by the Friday Gods. Can we have an amen?

I have a few plans:

Saturday: Sleep
Sunday: Sleep
Monday: Shop
Tuesday: Sleep and Shop
Wednesday: Fly to east coast
Thursday: Spend the day with Susan, doing God knows what. Probably shop.
Friday: TBA
Saturday: Wine and casino in West VA.
Sunday: TBA and fly home Sunday night.
Monday: Sleep

Tuesday back to work to pay for all the shopping. Ugh. Damn, I shouldn't of did this post, now I feel my vacation is over and it went too fast. I should of taken two weeks, I'm not sure I'll get enough sleep in now.

Well my determination to get up early and go to work early seems to be going well. Maybe a little too well. Waking up at 4:34am on a Sunday morning is not exactly a thrilling moment in life. Thank God for news sites and blogs. I wonder what I used to do in the early hours before the internet? Read? Sex? Can anyone actually remember?

My goal for blogging more frequently is, well, not doing good. I've been doing a little soul searching as to why this is and have come up with a few excuses reasons.

1. Work sucks. Yes, even I'm tired of thinking it, living it and whining about it. All that is wrong with the world today is directly related to my place of employment including the fine wrinkles around my eyes, love handles and Arabic terrorists.

2. People I know read my blog. There is something to be said about anonymous blogging. A person can write forever about the annoying habits and little quirks about ourself and the ones we love....if it's anonymous. Now I've mentioned my significant other is younger than myself...so it's a little hard to blog about the Loreal color of the month, PMS, drooling, and toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe at inopportune times. Hard to maintain my goddess image that way. Not only that, if I do something stupid, Susan will read about it and mock me for eternity. We can't have that.

3. Procrastination. I am the Queen. My Grandmother always said "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". Well my yellow brick road is paved in gold. My mother never liked my little saying "Never do today what can be done tomorrow". Words I try to live by.
(Damn, forget THAT #3, you know who might read it.)

3. Volunteering at local hospitals and women and children shelters.
(Really, really I do.) Ok...moving right along.

4. Pogo. Have any of you tried Phlinx? It is rather addicting.

Well anyway, I guess that is enough for now, I have so many things to do.

...I'm trying going to rearrange my schedule to try to get to work earlier. So that means up by 4:30am and hitting the road by 6:30 6am. I've been spending anywhere from 15-20 hours a week on the road trying to make the 55 mile roundtrip to work.

Orange barrels seem to be everywhere. I think there is a conspiracy. I know Big Brother has video surveillance in these things and my every move has been monitored. It's like they know I'm going to take an alternate route to avoid them....and then the next day they appear in that route. They are multiplying faster than the speed of light. My biggest fear at this point is that one day I come home and a orange barrel is blocking my bed.

So for now I guess, I'll quit sitting here and procrastinating, there are orange barrels waiting for me.

Ok, well I'm feeling much better now. Today was my first day back at work after a great 4 day weekend. I spent the weekend in Virginia just chillin and enjoying life. Well chillin is the wrong word, it was humid and hot as hell...and I think certain portions of my brain may have fried into crispy lumps. I tried to eat as much ice cream and frozen custard as possible to preserve portions of my brain.

I had a co-worker die last Thursday from breast cancer. She was a great woman. Very loving, caring, hard working caregiver. She took medical leave about a year ago to begin chemo and radiation.

Her funeral is tomorrow in Detroit and I had planned to go. I was advised by my superiors this wouldn't be in my best interest. Safety reasons. I was reminded that several ex-employees that I invited to leave my facility would be present. I really really hate this. At first I was somewhat defiant, angry and thought...fuck it. Then reality hit...this isn't Iowa. This is Detroit. I'm so sad.

Anyway....I love you Celeste. You are greatly missed.

Been forever and a day since I've blogged. Again. I never forget that it is here, I think about it every morning, every night. I think I really do need to blog, but I really have little to say. My life is BORING.

June is now gone. Forever. Let's see...what did I do. Well I went to work and came home. Went to work and came home. Repeat that 20 plus times. I definitely need to do something to spice up my everyday existence. Just to prove I do exist. I think I need something else to do maybe instead of racking up all those Pogo tokens and thinking about blogging.

I am spending 4 days with the man in my life this weekend. Far away from Detroit and it's madness. Definitely a well needed break.

Work is still ....well work. Crazy, frantic and never boring. For some reason the term "life-sucking" comes to mind. Still no video surveillance, but the added staff has definitely made a difference.

Anyway...to conclude all of this, I've decided if I win that 280 million dollar lottery this weekend I'm going to have a lot to blog about.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Dean Esmay setting me up with Moveable Type and my own domain name. Isn't it funny how you can look back a year and see how many things have changed in ones life...and still how many stays the same.

I still go to work and come home, same job, same car, same color hair dye...hell I'm wearing the same clothes.

So what's changed? Well there is a man in my life. Who is very kind, caring, intelligent...well just wonderful. And quite a bit younger than me. That's about 5 blog entries in itself. I dunno...kinda nice and kinda scarey. Sometimes I feel just fine with it...especially when we are together, the age difference melts away. Then there is every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror...and I think Christ almighty woman get a grip on reality. Then later in the day I'm thankful I've always had this loose handhold on reality. Comes in handy for rationalizing and denial. My favorite defense mechanisms.

Anyway...as my world turns, I'll keep us all updated.

Now for a great quote someone who I have not talked to in a long time sent me today:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming,

"WOW! What a ride!"

I want to remember that over the next few years.

I've been trying to get to work earlier the past couple of weeks and actually for a few days I made it before 7am. My reasons for wanting to do this are many: beating traffic, beating the 9am phone and people crunch to actually have some time to organize before the zoo opens their gates, and it's cooler in the morning. As I whined posted last summer, my office is windowless with no a/c. Like yesterday morning when I unlock my door the little thermometer on the wall said 84 degrees at 7:15 am. Have I mentioned before that I'm a winter baby?

I like to be cool. October is my perfect month. I don't own a winter coat, jackets work well and they sit on the car seat beside me for the "just in case I have to walk a mile" thing. Which ironically I only ever have had that happen when it's above 90 degrees. Another thing on my list to ask God at some future date why He found that so damn entertaining. The list is long...just because I have a burning desire to know what the point of it all has been.

Anyway, I'm rambling...so back to the point, it's suppose to be 88 degrees today. I'm not making it in early....so that means I'll make it home after 7pm tonight with a sweaty wet bra and frizzy hair. Oh happy days.

Hello? It's me. I used to blog here back when. Now I seem to spend my quality time here deleting spam comments, updating the MT-Blacklist and checking to see if the Hugoists are behaving. Obviously there is still some warped thinking there according to the lastest comment posted yesterday:

This web page is about Hugo..NOT the Selenski family! They aren't on trial or involved in any way, so why does their name keep coming up? Actually, we don't know for sure who said what on this board, so I think the comments about that poor family are just as wrong as what has been said to any victims families involved.

Sigh.

Over 900 comments on that post now. Without spam I might add. After all these months I still don't get it

I left for work at 6am yesterday morning. The sky was clear, sun up...no dipshits on the road. People that have to go into work that early know how to drive. None of that creeping along at 10 mph under the speed limit for them.

Just a word of warning: the dipshits begin appearing on the road sporadically about 6:30. At 7am it's a full out stupid party.

I really really like this blinking yellow lights before 7am at certain intersections. We need more of those in the world. At least in my world.

I thought I would share that just in case you hadn't noticed. I've always thought that ...well maybe I was just a little bit off-kilter. A few french fries short of a happy meal, or however you prefer describe it. I've always played that little games of "I'm ok, you're ok". "I'm ok, you're not ok." "I'm not ok, you are far from ok." But todays game is "I'm not ok, and don't care what you are, I am having a crisis."

Well hopefully we all bounce in and out of those modes. I guess I would be more worried about the person that stays stuck in one of those. Well today I sort of had a little crisis...and I have no clue why, but it happened at the dentist's office. Now my dentist thinks I'm weird, well he's right, but thankfully he can't officially diagnose me with something from the DSM-IV, and I definitely didn't share my list with him.

So...I get this little voice mail this morning that I have a dental appointment at noon today for a filling. Damn...I really didn't have this on my agenda. Fine..I'll go. Today was one of those everybody is needy days and I'm still seriously behind on my work from taking a vacation. So at 11:50 I run out of the door, literally with people following me to the parking lot still asking questions and race to the office.

I walk in at 12 sharp and the little gal takes me right to the back and plops me in the chair, puts the little bib on me, then proceeds to test what sounded like the drill behind me. I think it was at that moment I broke out in this cold sweat and my heart stated racing, I jumped out of the chair and said "well guess what, we aren't doing this today. Nope. Thanks, how much do I owe you? Bye now." As I'm ripping off the little bib and grabbing my purse.

The little gal gets a little pale and tells me I shouldn't leave til I talk to the dentist, and tells me to have a seat because I'm looking a little pale. Fine, everyone is pale. Ok fine, I'll wait...but I'm not getting back in that chair. She runs out of the room and grabs the dentist who comes in and asks me what the problem is. Well I have no answer for that...only "I have to get out of here." He proceeded to chit chat a little and I do remember him saying he was kind of rushed and thankful for the break that this will give him. Not as thankful as I was.

Anyway, I have no clue why I panicked, never have at the dentist before. Doesn't even make me feel uneasy about going back. The only thing I can come up with is...I'm just weird.

I must really be getting older out of practice because that one little graveyard visit has screwed me all up. How can my biorhythms get totally FUBAR in one day? Have I ever mentioned I hate Mondays anyway? Really what plays more havoc with inner peace and serenity then Mondays?

During my visit to Virginia my friend Andrew set my laptop up for wireless. All I had to do when I got home was plug things in correctly to the right place. Well after a few attempts and several days I finally listened to his directions and my laptop is now wireless. Yippee.

So now instead of being in my little room with the computers, stacks of books and other things I have to have might need I can cruise the internet from the comfort of my couch, dining room table, bed....I think you get the picture.

So last night as I'm flipping channels and watching the Sopranos and Deadwood...and talking in IM from the couch, many would use the word multi-tasking. Oh please. Actually I think I'm stuck somewhere in between couch potato and Princess. Let's see...would that be a fruit?

Vacation is officially over...I'm trying to be big about this and not whine. Damn it's hard. At least I don't have to go into the facility today, I have an all day meeting to attend. Corporate yahoos are flying in to tell us how to (can you guess? ) "Save Mo' Money". Shocker there.

I'm sure as I'm sitting there doodling on the handouts and daydreaming....one picture that was taken at Mt. Vernon will come to mind every time one of the yahoos interrupts my fantasies.

I'm glad to share it.

Now I'm off to the meeting and I refuse to let them burst my bubble.

Well in case you hadn't noticed I've been away on vacation. Yes, I took my laptop with me...and could of blogged, but life got in the way of blogging, and it was wonderful. I'm still in my happy little bubble that I refuse to have popped.

I could write a 25 page rambling essay about the whole trip, but I'm too damn tired and my arms and other things are aching. Now if I felt like this after a hard day at work I'd be bitching...yeah, I know me. But everything is pleasant in my bubble. Coming home was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Good thing bubbles can survive over distance and at 35,000 feet.

Well a rainy view anyway. Since I have some time to kill on my hands this morning I decided to play with the picture phone. I found out awhile ago how to take a picture but what to do, what to do from there. I am woman hear me roar I figured it out. Well sorta, thanks to the help of my 6th cup of coffee. My boss rang my room awhile ago and asked if I wanted to go down to the exercise room. Heh. That's one of those things you have to mentally prepare for. Umm...maybe next year.

I've read alot online lately about gun control. I am definitely for the right to bear arms. We can not put laws into place to prevent fools from being fools. Fools exist in every country, every city, every block in the neighborhood.

I was shot by a fool when I was 19. Then again, I was in a place where fools tend to gather. A bar. The drinking age at that time was 18 and every weekend was bar night. The name of the bar was SteveBo's, one of those neighborhood bars with a couple of pool tables, good music on the juke box, no old fogies to torment you.

It was around 10pm I was playing pool with a group of friends when Steve the owner came in. He was obviously very drunk and who knows what else he had been doing. Well for some reason out of all those people he spots me and decided I need to dance for him. I told him to go to hell and continued to play pool, doing my best to ignore him. Then I notice the pool table area starts clearing out rapidly - then I notice Steve standing there with a gun.

Again he told me to dance or he was going to shoot me. Well the way people were flying out of the bar, including his friends I assumed he meant business. I've said before I'm a stubborn bitch and when I'm threatened I do not act rationally. I put my stick down took a step at him and said "fuck you". He shot me in the leg, which at the time I didn't know he did. He didn't either, he thought he shot at the floor. Again he said "dance". About that time I felt something very wet running down my leg and seen the blood pooling under the cuff of my jeans.

At this point Steve went nuts and started yelling "I can't believe I shot you!" Well duh. Luckily he only took off a junk a skin off my calf and put a hole in my favorite jeans.

Well I left the bar naturally with Steve yelling at me as I left that I have free drinks for the rest of my life. Yeah right fool, like I would ever go back there again.

About 5 years after that, Steve was shot and killed in another bar. Shot point blank in the chest...the man who shot him never had charges filed against him. Who knows what went down.

Hallelujah, hallelujah brothers and sisters, vacation has begun. Can we please have a moment of silence..........

Now let the games commence....

I went to the dentist 2 months ago and had 2 teeth filled. I thought this wasn't too bad, it had been a couple of decades since my last cavity. They were pretty minor, no big deal. Weird but the cavity was on the top front tooth. When they give me the shot of novocaine, it hurt like hell, but I survived. Like I said it's been years since I had one. I forgot how bad it was. I'm a whimp.

Anyway, when the numbness wore off, I had alot of pain in the gum area where the shot had been. This never went away. The tooth next to it became very sensitive to touch epecially when I brush or floss.

About 10 days ago I noticed the tooth - not the one worked on but the one beside it getting dark around the gum line. WTF? So I called my dentist, explained what was going on and they said I needed to be seen on an emergency basis. Right. Well 10 days later, which was today, was my emergency appointment.

Well my dentist is on vacation so I seen his partner. This guy was old as hell and even grumpier. When I explained my problem he immediately says "Well it's not our fault, we didn't touch that tooth." I explained that I know that, but I'm still having a problem and the darkness at the base started about 10 days ago. He proceeded to argue with me and says there is no way that started 10 days ago it had to be there for a long long time. I said, I'm not going to argue but it wasn't there 2 months ago. End of story.

So he says, we'll x-ray the tooth and just see and stalks out. Whatever that means. So 10 minutes after the x-ray he comes in all nice..and says "Well for whatever reason the nerve in the tooth is dying. It could reverse itself but it probably won't. I need to see a specialist - a tooth nerve doctor." Oh boy. I asked how a tooth without a cavity and no injury could die. His response "well, it happened." So he gives me the x-rays, instructions for the "specialist" and is oh so sweet now. Then he walks me to the receptionist and tells them there will be no charge. Huh? Yeah right, 2 months ago it cost $200 to just get a routine cleaning and now no charge? I think they screwed my nerve up. Anyway, he definitely got on my nerves.