Erica wrote this yesterday:

I am not the type to reflect, meditate, look inward, or participate in mental exercises designed to calm, focus, affirm or inspire. I can't think on such an abstract scale. I need concrete and finite and what can I do right now (or what do I need to do right now that I will procrastinate).

I read this post this morning and it was finally the key to opening up what I've wanted to say. It's an excellent post and I'm just the opposite.

Erica wrote that sometimes in her car she turns of the radio or CD player and has a conversation with herself and works things out by talking to her imaginary passenger.

I live in my head. I know how bizarre that sounds but it's the closest I can come to explaining. I rarely have the TV, radio or CD player on. A conversation is continously going on in my head. Umm...both voices would be me, no strangers or aliens. The longer I spend there the harder it is to return to the concrete and the land of the living.

When I first started this blog, I wrote more of what was in my head somehow that gave it some reality, actual form and substance. It brought me back down to earth. If I was down, lost, confused, lonely, greedy, happy, horney whatever, it went there. I think now that more and more people I know read my blog I'm not freeing myself the way I need. I sit down to write and nothing I really want to say I won't let out.

Monday through Friday I'm forced to live in the concrete real world, leaving weekends for the head trips I guess you could call it. Yesterday, last night in particular I was drowning in thoughts. Earth seemed far away, if that's a concept you can grasp. Finally about 10pm I sat down and wrote and wrote and wrote. Felt good, damn good. Would I post it here? Oh hell no.

So what am I really trying to say with all this bullshit rambling? I really need to write my feelings, emotions and my garbage down..to get rid of all the clutter that's floating around in my mind. It gives me peace. God knows it was getting just a little too noisey and chaotic in here.

So I guess I have not found a comfortable place for me to be in on this blog right now. I hope I do soon. I'll have to think about it...go figure.

If none of this makes sense, get used it, it's the real me.